Drunken Conversations With England, Prussia, and Denmark, Vol ?
by Yombatable
Summary: Or, how none of them can get laid and everyone else keeps rubbing their relationships in their faces. ((A lot of mentioned pairings but none are actually in the fic. The most mentioned ones are Irelandcest, SuFin, and GerIta))
1. Chapter 1

**So Kestrealbird was like, "We need these three complaining about their siblings being in relationships." and I was like "Yes we do." But somehow it turned into this and I don't know how that happened but it did and now we have this.**

 **The pairings were supposed to be Irelandcest, Sufin, and Gerita, I hope there's enough of them in here, tbh I went waaay off path with this one... idk why that surprises me, I do that a lot these days.**

 **Enjoy! ;)**

"I think Ireland's doing it specifically to piss me off," England grumbled through his beer. Now, exactly how many he'd had at this point in time was only known to the bartender, but his two companions were in a similar state, so it didn't really matter.

Prussia waved him off, "Ireland's doing it because your sister's hot, pissing you off is just a bonus."

"And you speak from experience," Denmark snorted, "Don't you Prussia?"

"Pissing off Austria had nothing to do with it," Prussia replied sulkily through his beer, pouting a little.

"No, I agree," England replied, "Hungary's shag-worthy, pissed off Austria or no."

The other two nodded their heads in reluctant agreement.

There was a long moment of drunken silence between the three before Denmark piped up again, "Speaking of shag-worthy, how have Germany and Italy been doing?"

England snorted, looking up at Denmark with a laugh, "Which one of them is the shag-worthy one?"

Denmark shrugged, "Germany, I like the strong and awkwardly silent type."

Prussia grimaced, a noise of disgust coming from his throat, "Ew, I don't need to think about you and my brother, Denmark."

"Like when they can pick me up and-"

Prussia didn't say anything as England hit him upside the head to stop him talking.

Denmark shrugged again, patting Prussia on the shoulder, "I'd shag Italy too, if that's any consolation?"

Prussia's shoulders slumped in irritation, before returning to upright in stubborn arrogance, "Most of us would, if what Spain said about Romano is anything to go by, that kid is a riot in the sack."

"Yeah, anyway, don't change the subject, I-"

"Wait, does that mean you'd shag Sweden?" England asked, his mind having taken a minute to catch up with what Denmark had said, "He's definitely the strong and awkwardly silent type."

Denmark made a non-committal gesture with his hands, "Even if I would it doesn't matter, he's with Finland, and an angry Finland is not something I ever need to deal with."

"Okay, but if Finland was out of the picture?"

"Then I'd ride him like a prized stallion."

At that, all three of them burst into laughter.

After their laughter had died down a little, Denmark spoke again, "Those two have been insufferable lately actually."

England raised an eyebrow, "In what way?"

"In a _'I have been in the room beside theirs at every meeting we've had together and they keep banging loudly while I'm trying to sleep'_ kind of way."

"Then bring someone back to your own room and give them a taste of their own medicine," Prussia replied, "It's what I do when pasta gets cooking in the room beside mine."

" _Pasta gets cooking_?" England asked with a loud snort through his beer.

"You know what I mean."

"I most certainly do, but I've honestly never heard it be referred to like that before."

"You would if you walked in on your brother eating ravioli off of-"

Any passers-by of their conversation were spared having to hear the rest of that sentence by Denmark spitting out a mouthful of beer in a stream of coughing laughs. Prussia patted his back through the worst of it, an expression of what can only be described as ' _yeah, exactly_ ' on his face.

"At least you've never ' _accidentally_ ' received a sext from Germany."

"Wait," Denmark gasped, taking another gulp of beer now that he'd recovered, "Did Ireland-?"

"Oooh yes," England replied, "In detail."

"What did he say?" Prussia asked, leaning forward in interest.

England grimaced, "I really don't want to-"

"No, no," Denmark scolded, poking England in the chest, "You can't tease us like that, what did it say?"

England rolled his eyes, but fished his phone from his pocket, fiddled for a moment and passed the phone to the two of them. They spent a moment reading it, their faces shifting through shock, amazement, and holding back laughter.

England just watched them dryly as they both looked up at him, tiny snorts of laughter escaping them both. "Holy shit," Prussia laughed, "Your brother is a dirty bastard, isn't he?"

England took a moment to grimace again, "I don't think I'd mind so much if he wasn't-" he swallowed thickly, "If it wasn't Northern Ireland. She's only a few hundred years old..."

Prussia snorted, slapping him hard on the back, "So is West, and I've seen his porn stash."

"I don't want to know about Germany's porn stash," England replied, looking hopelessly at Prussia who had a look on his face that said rather clearly that he intended to tell him _exactly_ what was in Germany's porn stash.

Before he could though, Denmark spoke up, "I second that."

"Aw, you two are no fun."

Denmark smirked, elbowing Prussia in the side, "I've gotta keep the fantasy going."

Prussia grimaced and pushed Denmark away from him, "Eugh, Den, no!"

"So his porn stash is fair game, but as soon as I wanna ride him like a cowboy, I'm the bad guy."

England snorted out a loud laugh at Prussia's noise of disgust as he shoved once against Denmark hard enough to send him falling off of his chair, "Don't hate the player, hate the game, Prussia!"

"The game," Prussia replied, "Doesn't need to include my _taken_ brother, thanks."

Denmark hauled himself up from the floor, ignoring the dirty looks he got from the bartender, to hang on Prussia's shoulder with a laugh, "You're just sour 'cause Germany's getting more ass than you."

England frowned, "He's getting more arse than any of us, now that I think about it."

The three of them were silent for a moment.

"Well shit." Was Denmark's eloquent reply.

"When was the last time either of you got laid?" Prussia asked, frowning thoughtfully into his beer.

"With a country?" Denmark asked.

Prussia nodded.

"Almost five years."

England sighed, flopping forward onto the table, "I'm going on six."

Both of them abruptly looked at Prussia.

"What?"

They just stared at him expectantly.

"Okay, fine, like eight years," He haughtily refused to look at the two of them as they threatened to laugh, "But I slept with a human two weeks ago!" He added, almost desperately.

England waved him off, "Humans don't count."

"Why not?"

England huffed out a laugh, "It's not the _same_ and you know it."

"Yeah," Denmark agreed, "If sleeping with a nation is like chocolate cake, then sleeping with a human is like unbuttered toast."

"Unbuttered toast is healthier for you," Prussia grumbled.

"Yes, Prussia, but tell me honestly, what would you rather have? An aspirin, or some heroin?" England asked him with a raised, and slightly amused eyebrow.

"If you're comparing nation-on-nation sex to heroin, then I should be rewarded for staying clean this long."

England rolled his eyes, "My point being, we need to fuck someone soon or I fear our balls will shrivel up and become vaginas."

"I don't see what's so bad about that," Prussia replied, a hit of a smug smile on his face, "I love vaginas."

"As great as vaginas are," England sighed, "I don't wish to have one." He took a thoughtful sip of his beer.

"Speaking of vaginas," Denmark piped up, "I'm starting to believe Fin has one."

"Oh? Do tell," England replied, with amused curiosity.

"Yeah, yeah," Denmark replied, "Seriously, last night, after the meeting, they were going at it next door, like they always do, it's not a surprise or anything at this point, I normally just turn up the TV. But this time, oh my god!" He threw his hands up dramatically, "Not even that helped, Fin sounded like..." he trailed off in search of a good metaphor.

"A dying whooping swan?"

"A thousand tiny Santas simultaneously shouting 'I'm a ho ho ho'?"

"A reindeer with a fist shoved firmly up its ass?"

"Like something had gone terribly wrong in the sauna?"

Denmark nodded, "Yeah, like that. Anyway, his voice goes all weird and high pitched when he has sex. I'm not surprised Swe calls him his wife, he sounds like it."

"West and Italy are weirdly quiet when they have sex, and I don't know if it's because I'm in the next room, but all you can hear the headboard banging against the wall. That's it. Nothing else."

"Really?" England and Denmark asked in unison, ignoring that fact as they stared disbelievingly at Prussia.

He nodded, "I know! I expected Italy at least to be a screamer, but they're completely silent! It's almost freaky."

England frowned, "North once told me that Ireland is deliberately loud when I'm in the immediate vicinity."

Prussia laughed, "No way, really?"

England nodded, "Apparently he's pretty quiet the rest of the time, but as soon as I'm within earshot the volume goes alllll the way up. She says it's because he revels in bringing me discomfort. I swear, next time I bring someone home he's going to hear it all the way across the Irish sea. Give the dickhead a taste of his own medicine."

"That would be great if you could actually get laid," Prussia pointed out.

"I could get laid if I wanted to," England pouted.

Prussia snorted out a laugh, "And that's why you haven't in six years, right? You didn't _want_ to?"

"Sure," England grumbled, "Let's go with that."

"That's it!" Denmark announced, standing from his chair, and tugging his two companions with him, "We are going home and drunk-dialling some booty calls for our sorry asses."

England and Prussia shared a look before simultaneously shrugging and following Denmark out of the bar and down the street. By the next day none of them could claim they'd been dry almost five years, but probably not because of the nations you'd expect...


	2. TBC

So I wrote a sequel called 'Hungover Mornings with England, Prussia, and Denmark, Vol. Too Many" Check that shit out if ya want ;D


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